Me vs. the Monster

Monday, April 26, 2010

0’dark:30am Wide awake, burning hot, heart racing. Have really bad feeling. Too tired to check on Kiddo, know I should. In retrospect, I think this is when monster entered house.

0’dark:45am Still awake. Still have bad feeling.

0’dark:15am Still awake.

0’dark:30am (again) Still awake.

5:25am Stupid alarm goes off.

5:30am Stupid TV turns on. Hubby changes channel (in sleep) to CNBC.

5:45am Stupid alarm goes off again. Time to wake up Kiddo. Get Kiddo up; almost kill Cat1 on the way up the stairs. Snuggle with Kiddo for minute. Explain behavior expectations for day.

5:47am Flop back into bed.

6:00am SquawkBox on. Joe says “Good Morning”. Is not. Poke hubby and make sure he’s going to work. Get up to make sure Kiddo doesn’t miss bus.

6:11am Try to explain to Kiddo that she looks like Polish* clown.

6:18am (Normal bus arrival time) Kiddo needs hair brushed.

6:22am Still fighting about clothing with Kiddo. Kiddo decides she needs to potty, and forgot to pack lunch in bag. Kiddo gets lunch, bag makes noise when moved. Kiddo goes potty, I investigate noise.

6:23am Find 6 Barbie Dolls, 1 Zhu-zhu pet, microphone and clothes in Kiddo’s bag. Remove. Bus drives by, begins turnaround in street.

6:24am Kiddo mad that busted about toys. No toys allowed at school. Storms off to get on bus. Not going to be good day.

6:26am Begin dinner. Hubby leaves for work.

6:37am Dinner in crockpot. Turn on crockpot. Time for shower and get ready for work.

6:40am On way to shower, notice pile of clothes. Decide to wash clothes, including PJs have on. Load up clothes, cram in washer. Should not have done this.

6:41am Close door to washer, load soap, set delay, and turn on. Clothes should be done when get home to pick up Kiddo off bus.

6:42am Scream. Or something like that. Stand dumbfounded at floor near left foot.

6:42:12am Cat2 investigates noise that came out of mouth. Point at Cat2, then at monster. Cat2 looks at monster, looks at me. I read mind of Cat2: “No way. You crazy? Too dangerous, is big. Can’t do it. Good luck. I sleep in your bed after you dead?” Thanks Cat2, will remember this.

6:44am Monster quick. Reflexes not good enough. Decide that Hubby will take care of monster. Never seen one this big. Seriously. Is huge. Get ramekin to contain monster until Hubby gets home. Trap monster under ramekin. Monster has eight legs, two fang-y things. Easily size of half dollar including legs, quarter just for body. Yuck.

6:46am Lie down on bed and attempt compose self. Must vacate house, but must pass monster to do so. Worried monster will escape.

6:57am Verify monster still contained. Find cell phone. Discover is dead. Plug in to charge.

7:01am Send Hubby text explaining situation. Know he’s just getting to work.

7:02am Motivated to shower, quickly.

7:16am Done in shower. Exceptional time.

7:21am Receive response from Hubby: “k”

7:25am Dressed, ready to go.

7:27am Check on monster situation. Decide not to take chances. Weigh down ramekin with 3 6”x6” tiles. Should contain even an ant this size. Hope so, anyway.

7:29am Walk slowly out of house past monster, keeping one eye on it until door closes.

Is not going to be a good week. Should have gone back to bed and stayed there. But would have been eaten by monster, for sure.

I HATE bugs. Anything with more than 4 legs creeps me out. I will occasionally move a caterpillar, and let it walk on my hand, but that’s more because I don’t want it to eat my cherries off the tree than because I like it. Eight(+) legs are the worst. I can handle four-legged creatures. I can even deal with mice. I successfully trapped a baby mouse all by myself. I didn’t kill it, it was too cute. I let Hubby take care of it. He let it go in the woods. Probably would have been safer if he had killed it, but even he thought it was cute. I’ve killed mice before, and I’ll kill smaller spiders, if alone. But I have my limits. And this creature far exceeded those limits. I have NEVER seen a spider this big in a house before. I’ve killed black widows before, and not thought twice about it. But this thing was bigger than anything I had around me to squash it with, and I was sure that it would be faster than me if I tried. My rule is if you can see the fangs from 5’ away, you don’t need to kill it yourself. (My vision is not very good either!) Get someone else to do it. Now, if Hubby had been out of town, I would have done it, for the sake of the kiddo and the kitties. Can’t let a creature like that waltz into the house and take over the place, can we? But Hubby’ll be home at 6pm. It can chill out under glass until then. And, now I have motivation for running while on the treadmill. Yuck.